User:Greentryst/Uncyc/Turtle
The turtle is an amphibious animal with an armored shell, an M1 helmet, night-vision goggles, an AK-47 assault rifle, a nasty disposition, and great sharp teeth a cute little tail.
Contents
Lots of Turtles
There are billions and billions of species of turtles in the world, ranging in size from the genetically engineered 90 nanometer Metal-Oxide-Semiconducting Field Effect Turtle of Japan, to the thunderous fire-breathing 10,000 meter Turtlezilla, also of Japan. In fact, Japan is practically overrun with turtles of all sizes, because turtles play a vital role in the Shinto religion (which are sacrificed in great numbers to the Shinto god Turtlezilla in order to persuade him not to eat Tokyo).
Natural Enemies
Turtles, being some of nature's fiercest predators, have few natural enemies. Of this small, elite group of cyborg animals, however, is the pirate bear and of course cabbage. While most bears are docile creatures from the fish kingdom, pirate bears feed plentifully on the jewel encrusted turtles of the Mediterranean. These specific turtles provide the basic nutrients necessary to power a bear's warp core. Human natural enemies are THE GUJU and this big green hotdog.
Celebrities who swallowed a turtle in early childhood
- Chuck Norris (See also: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
- Oscar Wilde
- Keith Chegwin
- Michael Jackson
- Jack Bauer
- Ozzy
- Mr. Potato Head
- Santa Claus
- Bob Dole
- The Gujurati
- Fudge
Lots of Even More Turtles
- In 1973, Stephen Hawking theorized that turtles play a major role in cosmology. His proposed model, "Turtles All the Way Down", combined an infinite stack of turtles with the principles of general relativity. Unfortunately, this theory had to be scrapped because it turned out to be totally inconsistent with godless evolutionism and the laws of quantum cheddardynamics.
- Turtle is also the title bestowed apon the champion of a "turtle match." All participants crawl into seperate sleeping bags, and proceed to pass gas. The person who can put up with the stench the longest is a Turtle
- Turtles are also the surname of the Austrian royal family, comprising to the inheriters to the Hapsburg Throne. The family was initially started by the gay dance troupe the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and their incestuous latvian accountant Master Splinter. To celebrate the founding of the family, Splinter transformed into a rat (as is customary in Latvia)
- The Earth rests upon the back of a huge turtle, which in turn rests on the back of another huge turtle. Turtles-turtles-turtles, all the way!"
- Turtles are the Truth. Turtles are therefore the guiding principle of every star-fleet officer, according to Captain Picard.
Cooking with Turtles
Turtles are the primary ingredient of Turtle Soup.
Turtle Soup
- 4 quarts boiling water
- 3 medium-sized potatoes (diced)
- 1 cup minced onion
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 clove garlic (carded)
- 1 pinch monosodium glutamate
- 1 bay leaf
- 1 large live turtle
The important thing is not to use the turtle, because if you use any part of the turtle its fellow turtles will find out and they will come for you in the night. Via your sock drawer. Anyway, don't use the turtle. Instead you may substitute any kind of meat, but prime tarantula steak is best. Simmer for approximately 2 hours until the potatoes are moderately soft and the steak looks like something a human would want to eat. Serves 4.
How to recognise a turtle
It's like a flat snail, but round.
Usually drives a Douche Trough.
Proudly boasts about its future success, which will never be achieved under any circumstances ever.
Can also be identified by asking the following question:
"Are you a turtle?"
If they respond with the following statement they are. If anything else is said, they are NOT a turtle
"You bet your sweet @$$ I am!"
