User:Greentryst/Uncyc/Turtle
The turtle is a reptilian animal with an armored shell, an M1 helmet, night-vision goggles, an AK-47 assault rifle, a nasty disposition, and great sharp teeth a cute little tail.
Contents
Lots of Turtles
There are billions and billions of species of turtles in the world, ranging in size from the genetically engineered 90 nanometer Metal-Oxide-Semiconducting Field Effect Turtle of Japan, to the thunderous fire-breathing 10,000 meter Turtlezilla, also of Japan. In fact, Japan is practically overrun with turtles of all sizes, because turtles play a vital role in the Shintō religion (which are sacrificed in great numbers to the Shintō god Turtlezilla in order to persuade him not to eat Tokyo).
Natural Enemies
Turtles, being some of nature's fiercest predators, have few natural enemies. Of this small, elite group of cyborg animals, however, is the pirate bear. While most bears are docile creatures from the fish kingdom, pirate bears feed plentifully on the jewel encrusted turtles of the Mediterranean. These specific turtles provide the basic nutrients necessary to power a bear's warp core.
Lots of Even More Turtles
In 1973, Stephen Hawking theorized that turtles play a major role in cosmology. His proposed model, "Turtles All the Way Down", combined an infinite stack of turtles with the principles of general relativity. Unfortunately, this theory had to be scrapped because it turned out to be totally inconsistent with godless evolutionism and the laws of quantum cheddardynamics.
Cooking with Turtles
Turtles are the primary ingredient of Turtle Soup.
Turtle Soup
- 4 quarts boiling water
- 3 medium-sized potatoes (diced)
- 1 cup minced onion
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 clove garlic
- 1 pinch monosodium glutamate
- 1 bay leaf
- 1 large live turtle
Simmer for approximately 2 hours until the potatoes are moderately soft and the turtle stops screaming. Serves 4.
