User:Greentryst/Uncyc/Emperor Palpatine

Emperor Palpatine was the second President of the United States after the Nike Revolution of 2006. He was elected in 2016 after the failed two-term administration of his Thith Apprentice, Darth Hussein.

Early Years

The Emperor had no early years. The Emperor needs no early years. He was born from pure pirate energy at the age of 65, at which point he immediately retired and began his rise to power. He started as a high ranking Cardinal of the Catholic Order. He went under the alias Cardinal Ratzinger, slowly amassing his awesome Dark Side and Medium Rare Powers of the force. So it goes.

Causing Trouble

In the late 90s Palpatine started masquerading as an evil lord, Darth Sidious, to the greedy and incompetent rulers of the corrupt Middle Eastern Terrorists. He successfully convinced the leaders of the Taliban to start a war with the Republic United States of America. His protégé, Count Hussein (Senator of Iraq), helped fund and expand the attack to a culminated tragedy in 2001. The United States quickly fought back with robot bees in the War on Iraq.

During the Battle of Many Bees, Hussein was captured and imprisoned on United States dirt. Err, soil. I said soil. Combined with the quick military victories, current US President George Bush was secured a victory in the 2004 elections. Meanwhile, Palpatine secretly ordered a giant army of cloned bears to be crafted on the moon. The budget note, scrawled in pink glitter, read: "Only bears can protect the Vatican".

Revolution

Unpleased with the presidency of Bush, dissidents in the south of the United States started the Nike Revolution of 2006. This move, entirely calculated by Palpatine, put the country into civil unrest. As Darth Sidius, he freed Count Hussein from jail and helped him rise to power. In the Election of 2008, Hussein defeated Bush for the presidency. His two term administration, however, was a failure. By 2016, America at large was sick of Hussein.

After the reorganization of the states, New Jersey (also known as Hell) became the property of the Vatican, and Palpatine became Senator Pope Palpatine Man. Using his Bear Army, he launched a coup against President Hussein. Furthermore, he declared that the Vatican was in a plot to overthrow him, and ordered the bears to raid the Catholic archives. The bears, stunningly cold warriors, massacred the College of Cardinals, and granted Palpatine the seat of the throne. He then reorganized the United States into the Empire of Oceania, and changed the year to 1984.

Death

Emperor Palpatine eventually dismantled the senate nineteen years later, completing his bear-ful grip of power. Meanwhile, Eric Flood discovered that pope John Paul II was not dead, but in fact, under exile after failing to defeat Palpatine years ago in the Papal Election. JP2 taught Eric Flood the powers of Medium Rare, and then promptly died at the ripe old age of 84 million. Flood left his hometown of nuclear radiation and faced Palpatine in a game of deathmatch. When Palpatine attempted to cast +5 Lightning on Flood, he accidentally turned himself into a baked potato. Eric threw the potato down a shaft, where it exploded in a blast of delicious flavoring.

Composure

Emperor Palpatine was generally very evil, even more evil than some guy who was pretty evil. He had back problems caused by "Baked Potato Syndrome", and face problems, caused by "John Kerry's Disease". His trademark move was to say, "May the force be with you", and then electrocute his victim with his fingers until he or she responded with, "and also with you".

He also fed ducks by the pond, right before messily eating them.